I Thought I WASN’T Competitive? So, I’ve been thinking about it. And I always, always, ALWAYS compare myself to her. I don’t know why. I just do. Like, whenever I see she has new pictures, I go and look at them and make comments to myself. Kinda like, put her down to make myself feel better. And that honestly makes me a really ugly person. Or if I see she’s wearing an outfit that I have something similar of, I’ll wear it to prove to myself that I can rock it better. I don’t know why I do it. But I just do. And I can’t help it. [Also, as a side note, I still don’t understand how you got invited and we didn’t. I’ve known him for 7+ years, not to mention he’s his cousin. So, why the hell did we not get invited and YOU did?] I’m so Filipino with this competitive aspect of me… -___________________- 

I Thought I WASN’T Competitive?

So, I’ve been thinking about it.
And I always, always, ALWAYS compare myself to her.

I don’t know why. I just do. Like, whenever I see she has new pictures,
I go and look at them and make comments to myself.
Kinda like, put her down to make myself feel better.
And that honestly makes me a really ugly person.

Or if I see she’s wearing an outfit that I have something similar of,
I’ll wear it to prove to myself that I can rock it better.

I don’t know why I do it. But I just do.
And I can’t help it.

[Also, as a side note, I still don’t understand how you got invited and we didn’t.
I’ve known him for 7+ years, not to mention he’s his cousin.
So, why the hell did we not get invited and YOU did?]

I’m so Filipino with this competitive aspect of me… -___________________- 

Female Intuition I still remember the first day you pointed her out to me.It was around this time. I remember exactly what she was wearing(That blue top/dress with leggings). I remember exactly what you said(“That’s my new friend Sammie.A lot of people think she’s not that pretty,But I think she’s alright”). I remember agreeing with you.I remember that we were standing in the walkway of the mid-sectionAnd she was standing up by her seat near the front. But the one thing I remember the mostWas the uneasy feeling I had when I saw herAnd looking back on it,I should have went with that feeling.
Is It History? I’m scared. And I don’t know what I need to say to get through to you. Maybe I’m being selfish. But do you not understand my concern? Almost exactly a year ago, we were on this never ending roller coaster Of highs and lows; of laughter and tears; of happiness and fear. What were we trying to do exactly? We were trying to fix our friendship. But how could that have been done if we hadn’t completely been over it (It being our previous relationship that meant something to both of us). I’ll tell you one thing: It couldn’t. And we sort of proved that. We tried to be friends over and over, but in the end, All our feelings always came out and we couldn’t allow the other to move on Without thinking about our own selfish needs. Let’s face it: a friendship cannot be formed after a relationship if both parties haven’t let go. And that’s what scares me. I am almost completely positive that she hasn’t entirely moved on. I don’t blame her. You’re a great person and one that’s hard to ever forget. But I know she still has feelings for you. What if you guys try to start a friendship only to end up doing what we did? We saw each other behind her back. We did everything together. And she didn’t know a thing about it. And that’s what I would hate to be: The ignorant one. The one that doesn’t see what’s happening around her Because she’s too stupid to question you since she wanted to trust you . It’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m afraid to trust you only to be proven wrong. I mean, if this is a real friendship, it can wait, right? Real friends won’t go anywhere. Am I wrong? And how important is this friendship? So important that you’re willing to compromise me being ready to make things work between you two?  I understand that you wanna make things right with everyone And that you wanna make the BOTH of us happy.  I just don’t understand. Please help me understand. Please, let’s just figure out a way to make this all work. 

Is It History?

I’m scared. And I don’t know what I need to say to get through to you.
Maybe I’m being selfish. But do you not understand my concern?

Almost exactly a year ago, we were on this never ending roller coaster
Of highs and lows; of laughter and tears; of happiness and fear.
What were we trying to do exactly? We were trying to fix our friendship.
But how could that have been done if we hadn’t completely been over it
(It being our previous relationship that meant something to both of us).

I’ll tell you one thing: It couldn’t. And we sort of proved that.
We tried to be friends over and over, but in the end,
All our feelings always came out and we couldn’t allow the other to move on
Without thinking about our own selfish needs.
Let’s face it: a friendship cannot be formed after a relationship if both parties haven’t let go.

And that’s what scares me. I am almost completely positive that she hasn’t entirely moved on.
I don’t blame her. You’re a great person and one that’s hard to ever forget.
But I know she still has feelings for you.
What if you guys try to start a friendship only to end up doing what we did?

We saw each other behind her back. We did everything together.
And she didn’t know a thing about it. And that’s what I would hate to be:
The ignorant one. The one that doesn’t see what’s happening around her
Because she’s too stupid to question you since she wanted to trust you .
It’s not that I don’t trust you. I’m afraid to trust you only to be proven wrong.

I mean, if this is a real friendship, it can wait, right?
Real friends won’t go anywhere. Am I wrong?
And how important is this friendship?
So important that you’re willing to compromise me being ready to make things work between you two? 

I understand that you wanna make things right with everyone
And that you wanna make the BOTH of us happy. 

I just don’t understand. Please help me understand.
Please, let’s just figure out a way to make this all work. 

Sometimes, I Wonder. I wonder if it’s really worth it sometimes. I mean, we do have a lot of highs, But we also have some lows. And those lows aren’t that great. I hate being treated the way I am sometimes, And I’m sure you don’t like how I treat you sometimes too. So, why do we even try? Why do we even bother? I hate to say this, but what if we just shouldn’t be together? Maybe we’re just fooling ourselves into thinking that this is right.

Sometimes, I Wonder.

I wonder if it’s really worth it sometimes.
I mean, we do have a lot of highs,
But we also have some lows.

And those lows aren’t that great.

I hate being treated the way I am sometimes,
And I’m sure you don’t like how I treat you sometimes too.
So, why do we even try? Why do we even bother?

I hate to say this, but what if we just shouldn’t be together?

Maybe we’re just fooling ourselves into thinking that this is right.

You Gain Some, You Lose Some Sometimes, I feel like I should gain more weight. That my body isn’t really good enough. That it could look better than it does. Sometimes, I feel like I’m too skinny. And that I’m not sexy, Nor is my body appealing. I have had so many people tell me I should gain some weight Or that my body would look so much better if I gained more weight. Honestly? I’m afraid of gaining too much weight. I’m also too lazy to work out, but I like being skinny. I find it appealing sometimes. And what if this gaining weight thing doesn’t work out for me? Then what? Do I just try and lose it again. And then I was thinking about maintaining my present weight And maybe after I have children and I have the excess weight, I would work out some more and tone it up a bit or something. I don’t know. It’s just something that was on my mind. Because in the past few days, I’ve had more than one person Tell me that I need to gain some weight. Or that I would look better if I weighed more. Other days, I’m fine with how I look. 

You Gain Some, You Lose Some

Sometimes, I feel like I should gain more weight.
That my body isn’t really good enough.
That it could look better than it does.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m too skinny.
And that I’m not sexy,
Nor is my body appealing.

I have had so many people tell me I should gain some weight
Or that my body would look so much better if I gained more weight.

Honestly? I’m afraid of gaining too much weight.
I’m also too lazy to work out, but I like being skinny.
I find it appealing sometimes.

And what if this gaining weight thing doesn’t work out for me?
Then what? Do I just try and lose it again.

And then I was thinking about maintaining my present weight
And maybe after I have children and I have the excess weight,
I would work out some more and tone it up a bit or something.

I don’t know. It’s just something that was on my mind.
Because in the past few days, I’ve had more than one person
Tell me that I need to gain some weight.
Or that I would look better if I weighed more.

Other days, I’m fine with how I look. 

I HATE Babysitting Well, I understand that it really isn’t anyone’s fault. I mean, my sister does need to study for finals, Let alone take them, but I hate always being the one at home, Stuck babysitting my nephew. Don’t get me wrong. I love him with all my heart, Even though he can get really annoying, But it’s my summer break. I’ve been working so hard all semester And I was just looking to get away from everything before I start summer school. No homework, no responsibility, but I wasn’t looking for no fun. Instead, I’m stuck here at home, sitting on the couch doing nothing, really While my boyfriend will be getting up to go to the beach soon. I wish I could go. I love the beach. I love being with my friends. I hate being home and being bored. Forgive me for being selfish. 

I HATE Babysitting

Well, I understand that it really isn’t anyone’s fault.
I mean, my sister does need to study for finals,
Let alone take them, but I hate always being the one at home,
Stuck babysitting my nephew.

Don’t get me wrong. I love him with all my heart,
Even though he can get really annoying,
But it’s my summer break. I’ve been working so hard all semester
And I was just looking to get away from everything before I start summer school.

No homework, no responsibility, but I wasn’t looking for no fun.

Instead, I’m stuck here at home, sitting on the couch doing nothing, really
While my boyfriend will be getting up to go to the beach soon.

I wish I could go. I love the beach. I love being with my friends.
I hate being home and being bored.
Forgive me for being selfish.